


My First Cupcake

by Arctic Banana (ArcticBanana)



Category: Cake Boss (TV), God of War
Genre: Why Did I Write This?, crackfic, like pure unadulterated crack, like seriously why does this need to exist crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 21:11:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2165355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticBanana/pseuds/Arctic%20Banana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through the magic of "because shut up", Kratos journeys to the magical land of Hoboken, New Jersey and tastes a cupcake for the very first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My First Cupcake

**Author's Note:**

> This is my little sister's fault. She suggested that maybe Kratos wouldn't be so angry if only he tasted sugar for the first time and this was somehow born from that. I have no idea how Cake Boss got involved, it just did...
> 
> IF THIS DOESN'T END UP QUOTED BY Fanfiction_txt ON TWITTER AT SOME POINT, I WILL BE DISAPPOINT. XD

Kratos had no idea how he'd ended up in this horrifying place and was seriously, helplessly lost. Clearly he had taken a wrong turn at Athens. That was the last time he ever asked a taraxippus for directions. He watched these strange demons of metal that passed on by through what looked like a street, but they didn't seem to notice that he was there and made no move to attack him. Perhaps they were not hungry as they clearly seemed to have devoured people already. The street itself was a curiosity and was black as Tartarus and seemed to lack even a single loose stone. The elevated portion of the street seemed to be designated the location of foot traffic as that was where all the pedestrians seemed to be walking. Some of the braver souls would dart out into the black part of the road where the metal monsters were, occasionally causing some of them to shriek with a horrible, high pitched noise. There was garbage everywhere. Feral animals ran amuck eating it and the place was positively teeming with people.

He stared at a homeless man sleeping beside a pair of trash cans. “Maybe I'm in Thebes...” Kratos theorized. He looked around for someone who he could ask for directions and grabbed a random passerby. “You! Where is this horrible kingdom located?” he demanded. The man took one look at the pale, scary shirtless guy with the tattoos and a pair of blades chained to his arms and ran screaming the other direction. Kratos scowled even harder than usual. “Surely someone must know...” He noticed a long line coming out of a nearby building and wondered if perhaps someone inside might know. Shopkeepers usually knew a lot about the area they sold their wares in.

He looked curiously at the strange symbols on the front of the store but could not read them. Were they supposed to be words? What language was this then? He marched through the entrance towards the counter. Despite the large crowd it was surprisingly easy to get through to the front as people took one look at him and backed up as far away as they could get. Soon he was at the front of the line, the nearest person standing about four feet away from him, lights flashing as they used these odd devices to take pictures of him.

It was then that Kratos saw the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life. He stared at the chocolate cupcake sitting in the illuminated display case. Perfectly crafted petals of pink were delicately laid atop the smooth, lavender icing. Leaves of green added the right amount of balance between the flower and the surface of the cupcake. It took him a moment to even realize that the sculpture wasn't a real flower and was instead a representation made of a pink, creamy something or other. Everything about the cupcake screamed perfection, like it was a work of art meant to be admired rather than a food product intended for consumption.

“Hi, welcome to Carlo's Bakery! How may I help you?” a pleasantly smiling lady got his attention. Her smile was the smile of someone who appeared to be horrified of the customer standing in front of them just now and was hoping to help them along as quickly as possible so they'd leave faster. Kratos tended to get that a lot whenever he walked into stores.

Kratos snapped back to attention, though the memories of the cupcake just inside the case were still fresh in his mind. “Storekeeper! What hellish land is this?” Kratos asked the lady behind the counter.

“Um...Hoboken?” the woman replied in a bit of confusion. They got a lot of people from out of town, but most of them at least knew the name of the city they were in. “And my name's Lisa...not 'storekeeper'...”

“Hoboken?” Kratos stared back at her with a look of perplexity. “Where is that? Is that somewhere near Ethiopia?”

“No, it's in New Jersey,” she replied. As Kratos pondered the meaning of 'New Jersey', she glanced anxiously towards the restless crowd behind him. “Are you going to buy anything, or...?”

“Buy?” Kratos looked at the pink and purple cupcake in the display case. “Is that thing for sale?” he asked.

“Sure,” Lisa nodded. “Everything in the display case is.”

“I'll take one!” he announced loudly. Lisa flinched from his loud voice and retrieved the cupcake.

Kratos dropped several coins on the counter in front of him and walked off with it. Lisa stared at the obolos that he'd left behind, wondering if it was even a real currency, but Kratos had already gotten lost in the sea of customers before she could question him. Not that she wanted to. She was just glad the scary guy in Spartan armor was no longer in the bakery scaring customers.

Kratos examined the cupcake with curiosity. There appeared to be some kind of skin around it. And what was this dark brown substance that it was made of? It didn't smell like anything he'd ever smelled before. That Lisa person said it was a bakery so obviously it was some kind of food. Maybe he should taste it?

Kratos took a large bite out of the frosted cupcake. Suddenly a chorus of nymphs began singing as the clouds parted to allow a single beam of light to shine down on him and a single manly tear rolled down his permanently scowling face. Not only was this cupcake the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but it was also the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted. He turned around and marched right back into the bakery, the crowd once again parting like the Red Sea to allow him entrance.

* * *

 

It took a lot of imagination and effort, but using directions he'd gotten from this Jersey Devil fellow, Kratos managed to find his way back to ancient Greece. Getting back home was the easy part compared to transporting the hundreds upon hundreds of cupcakes that he'd bought from Carlo's Bakery before leaving.

Despite the fact that he told himself that he'd make them last, they were gone by the middle of the week.

**Author's Note:**

> I like to think that someday Lisa Valastro will Google her name, find this, and wonder what the hell is wrong with the Internet.


End file.
